May 09, 2006
screaming in seattle at a high-pitched/heeled shriek
By Contessa Maria Alicia Mercedes Anastasia Lucrezia Portia Alexandra di Conflama
Hello all my dry, non-web-footed friends! And to all of you who live in Puget Sound, hello you moldy quackers! Greetings from the Emerald City, high atop the Space Noodle!
And what are we screaming about now? Well, duckies, hold on to your feathers!
Alright my web-footed, tattooed, pierced urbanites – the Contessa has returned.
And she’s on another rampage.
Who shall we take on next? I think the City of Seattle – and what they kindly refer to as “government”.
Well, my dearest darlings, the definition of a city employee is thus:
“a condescending asshole, without a brain in his/her/its head, who got the job through relatives, other city employees or by swallowing” – oops, naughty me! I forgot the “taking it up the ass” part.
Never in my life have I seen a group of useless idiots trying to spend taxpayer dollars by lying to the public and going home to their cute little homes to their Janus faced husbands, wives, children, significant others – or toy poodles. Liar, you ask? Need I say “viaduct”, i.e.; the Northwest BIG DIG? Darling, the Contessa can provide you with making a tunnel – at a fraction of the cost!
I can mention several departments by name that have been neglecting the public by commandeering funds for their own mismanagement and stupidity. Does the Contessa dare tell you? No – I am sure you can figure that one out by yourself.
The Contessa would love to give you all the gory details of the driftwood – unfortunately she’s been beating off the paparazzi in Spain while on vacation and is just too damn tired with government to care anymore. The Contessa sincerely hopes that they just implode on themselves and fall 70 meters from their Tower of Doom to the Starbucks on the Fourth Floor. Who the hell ever made the fourth floor the main lobby! Oh, I’m sorry, s’cuse – we’re talking about the City of Seattle.
Well, my dearest duckies, the Contessa is on a rampage because this city is beginning to look like NYC in the 70’s – lots of money for condos and apartments, the middle class being squeezed out, the poor trampled upon, property prices becoming completely unrealistic and the homeless being shipped out to avoid a “social stigma”. And who can forget the Monorail that netted the City a surplus – hmmmmm – I wonder where that’s gone? I’m sure they will have to hire independent consultants at $100,000 a year to determine what to do with it while all the politicos are buying luxury, waterfront homes in Smellvue or overpriced condos in Helltown. Meanwhile, the Contessa is sitting here plucking the diamonds out of her tiaras to hock so she can pay the rent on her tiny villa (without a view)!
The Contessa misses the good old days – of one party rule – of a strong man in charge – Mussolini and the black shirts – unfortunately – he actually did some good – which I cannot say for the fascist we have in the White House, the yes-woman we have in the governor’s mansion, the leadership of this city, nor the entrusted public servants who are willing to serve you, but not between 12:00 and 1:00 because that is their lunch break. Yeah, when aren’t they on a break? I personally have witness them taking 30 minute bathroom breaks and 20 minutes is spent wiping their ass because they don’t know if it’s clean or not. Oh, well, I shouldn’t say things like that! I’m sure if you have a dick rammed up your ass endlessly then it’s difficult to be really clean!
The Contessa has had too much chianti and should not say anymore. I have said my peace. I wish you all well in this nasty frontier town and hope that you aren’t as bitter as I am.
PS: Solution to the Viaduct: blow it up, enslave the city employees to build a viable tunnel & use their bones to reinforce it to last 1000 years. For Christ’s sake! How the hell did they build the Great Wall!
Ciao, peasants.
Contessa Maria Alicia
| By The Contessa | 11:43 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
February 08, 2006
Screaming in Seattle
Screaming in Seattle 2006
By Contessa Maria Alicia Mercedes Lucrezia Portia Alexandra di Conflama
Hello all my dry, non-web-footed friends! And to all of you who live in Puget Sound, hello you moldy quackers! Greetings from the Emerald City, high atop the Space Noodle!
And what are we screaming about now? Well, duckies, hold on to your feathers!
Before I go on with a long overdue rampage, let me adjust my tiara and let all you out there know that the Contessa has been vacationing due to the grey skies and incessant rains that plague this region. However, after being thrown out of several friends summer homes in Palm Beach, the Contessa is back in the Emerald City with her gold lame raincoat and her forked tongue. (Who would think that dancing on a Louis XIV table, draining all the champagne in the wine cellar, having orgies with the staff and setting fire to someone's yacht with smokes would cause so much chaos that I had to return to Drizzle Central!?!?!?!) Oh! and darlings! Was it really so tragic that the Contessa bitch-slapped Paris Hilton at a nightclub and sent her purse, I mean dog, first class to Hong Kong, sending the bill to Nicole Ritchie?
Anyway, duckies, the Contessa is back to scream about the new legislation passed regarding gay rights and to have a nip and a tuck after passing out too many times in the tanning booth after slamming back Cosmos.
The Contessa really does appreciate the efforts of so many people in the Country of Warshintonia and does tip her tiara (along with her cocktail) to the legislators and Duchess Gregoire, but it ain't over until the fat lady sings. And believe me, there are quite a few fat Republican, bigoted ladies in Warshingtonia (most of whom work at those wonderfully diverse, cultural companies like Microsoft, WAMU, Amazon.com, all of state government and everything west of the Snoqualmie Pass).
I hate to be a crotchety contessa (no - I'm not talking about my nether regions), but enough signatures will be accumulated to send this legislation to the voters. Well, duckies, I don't mean to be negative, but it looks like this legislation has as much chance of survival as a kamikaze at Midway.
However, not to fear! The Contessa has a back-up plan. Let's just get those judges in their cute, flowing frocks to legitimize everthing legally through the courts. After all, the Contessa's original home state of Massachusetts plugged it through, why cannot we do the same here?
All I'm saying duckies, it is still going to be a fight. Never mind the Netherlands (no - not my edible underwear), Great Britain, Spain, Belgium, Canada and South Africa have legitimized gay marriage - we still have to remember that at times this country represents Medieval Europe. (By the way, the Contessa is still trying to figure out what the f**k is in Belgium so that people live there?)
So my duckies, I'm so glad to be back and so sorry to have to end this little diatribe on a sour note. The Contessa is going to cheer herself up by unpacking all her new jewelry she lifted out of her friends' safes, put on a fresh tiara and open up a case of bubbly.
Ciao darlings!
Contessa Maria Alicia Mercedes Portia Alexandra di Conflama
| By The Contessa | 01:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
July 31, 2005
Screaming in Seattle VIII
Screaming in Seattle
By Contessa di Conflama
Hello all my dry, non-web-footed friends! To you who live in Puget Sound, hello you moldy quackers! Greetings from the Emerald City, high atop the Space Noodle!
And what are we screaming about now? Well, duckies, hold on to your feathers!
Well, duckies, The Contessa’s panties are totally in a knot about this one. Thank the gods that The Contessa had her dress and panty shields on at this ludicrous meeting of a “volunteer committee”. Fortunately, The Contessa had the opportunity to drive one of her stilettos through the skull of a screaming-waiter fag (with attitude – is there any other?) before skipping down the street and slashing the tires of some dyke’s Harley-Davidson with her perfectly manicured talons.
I’m talking about the meeting moving Gay Pride from Crap-It-All Nill to a more appropriate venue.
I’m talking about the meeting that was totally lopsided with addle-brained denizens of the Swish Alps regarding the move.
I’m talking about ignorance, prejudice, xenophobia and fear.
I’m talking to you, you miserable peasants.
Dearest, duckies, where do I begin?
Let’s start with this douche-bag, non-committal, too much time on their hands, orifice-dripping, can’t make a decision to save their ass (like it’s a virgin!) COMMITTEE!
Sign your petitions, you miserable little peasants. You are no better than any other association of illiterates that strive to control a destiny that defies the concept of being categorized.
Allegedly this Tea Party was composed of irate queers from the Swish Alps. Why, my dearest duckies, does the Contessa say this? Duckies, the Contessa witnessed this futile attempt at public meeting.
This was the first time the KKKommittee decided to hold a pubic – sorry – public forum. Well, my dearest duckies, you wonder why. Totalitarianism is alive and well in AmeriKKA and it’s just not in the White House – it is totally rampant in the queer community.
It was noted that several business owners in the Crap-It-All Nill area presented petitions with a multitude of signatures. Well, if your job depends upon waiting tables while you are living with 17 other roommates in a one bedroom apartment and you need to get your meth and drink at the clubs, I guess you would sign it too. Well, duckies, The Contessa is still non-plussed.
There was another mention that the festival needs to be “glammed up”. Well, if you are queer and cannot be creative, then you need to either take vows or try any of the numerable means of suicide available to you in this town – not as if you little peasants haven’t been down this avenue. It is also mentioned that it should be “brighter and more fun with more impressive floats and fewer gaps”. You try getting queens on the same page. My dearest duckies, when I have a soiree with caviar and champagne, it’s always the queens that show up late and then they bitch because the hors-d’oervres aren’t to their pedestrian liking. Sorry, The Contessa does not host a typical gay party – a can of salsa, chips and lots of booze. No, duckies! The Contessa has edible munchibles and will not tolerate open inebriation. Go find an alley you trailer park trash because you cannot even be in the presence of The Contessa.
And these bitches are screaming about making a political statement addressing many issues on the Queer Agenda. Fabulous! Let’s keep it in the gay ghetto and not be noticed except as for freaks and perverts in the concentration camp in the Swish Alps. Breathe deeply my children. Have you notice how much air time the local stations give to Pride? Well, if you have a brain, I think it’s time that we are more noticeable.
Bring it mainstream, you damn peasants. Supposedly, the City of Seattle has openly approved the move. Does this dispel the issue of pride flags not on the route as noted in a recent article? I think not! If people and community were more coordinated, there would be flags, whatever the route would be. The lack of flags is due to the lack of fags who care. They simply want to bask in the enjoyment of their own NON-EFFORT! Believe me – The Contessa decided to do “charity work” for a cause that The Contessa thought worthwhile and spiritual at the time. Well, those half-assed so-called buddhist fags simply spewed forth verbal diarrhea and nothing else. Bask in your own filth.
And now, allegedly another public forum is going to be held on the matter. What is the problem, dearest duckies? Can these volunteers with too much time on their hands not know how to wipe their own asses to make a decision? Whatever it is, just make a damn decision! Maybe if you paid these nobodies who think they are “Queen of the Hill” they would actually respect what they are doing and actually do some community organizing instead of being pure politicians, looking for free meals, a quickie when their spouse isn’t home or attempting to establish non-cohesive networks of idiots who are fickle as hell and running home to their Crap-It-All Nill den of iniquity to “massage their egos”. The Contessa is so happy for these bitter queers, but understands that lube is plentiful along the Broadway Corridor. Volunteer work is fabulous, duckies, The Contessa should know, after all, The Contessa helped Imelda coordinate the transportation of Imelda’s shoes and got some bitchin’ pumps out of the deal!
Now it has been said, my dearest duckies, that the Seattle Pride Committee has never been open to public comment and has not ever entertained the thought of actually responding to a public vote. Oh! My dearest duckies – that would be democracy! How horrific! We simply cannot have that! After all, I’ve sold enough of my legacy just to be who I am and keep a palazzo over my tiara.
There is also the comment that moving the festival will split the LGBT community. What community? Whose community? Is that to say we have to live in the Swish Alps to be recognized? Is that to say that if we live in Magnolia, Ballard, Queen Anne, Belltown, Leschi, Ravenna or anywhere else we are just pseudo-queer? The Contessa begs to differ.
When The Contessa sees a banner that screams “UNITY”, she just wants to bitch-slap the idiots because they are not about unity at all. They are all about unity in their own little microcosm – exclusive of others that do not adhere to their politics, culture, lifestyle or humanity . I respect the opinions, ideals and lifestyles of others, but The Contessa will not tolerate syrupy sentiment that oozes faster than a virgin in heat so as to appear that our community is a cohesive and structured movement.
It is not.
Now, my dearest duckies, The Contessa must state that there appears to be bored, I mean, board members on this KKKommitte who do have two nickels to rub together, i.e.: they side with The Contessa on this issue regarding the bowel movement of the parade to a more appropriate venue. “Among them: A move to Seattle Center would more closely represent the LGBT community around the Puget Sound; the Space Needle is Seattle's most recognized landmark; and a march downtown would have a more significant impact on the non-Gay population. “
Quote from the Seattle Gay News – The Contessa’s response – “Ya – you think?”
Last and not least, The Contessa wishes to address these “safety issues” that these miserable peasants have decided to address.
No matter whether we are gay, straight, top, bottom, black, white, male, female, transgendered, hispanic, asian, Catholic, Episcopalian, Buddhist (and I use that word lightly in this miserable community you little peasants – you know who you are) Pagan, Taoist, simply spiritual – regardless of our ethnicity, race, religion or culture – we are all subject to hatred from ignorant fools.
And now The Contessa wishes to respond to the comments that were published in SGN from the “meeting”
o Michelle: "I live at 3rd and Lenora near Virginia downtown...I've seen stabbings, shootings, assaults.... I had to come here today to say that I don't think the Seattle Pride Committee could handle what could happen there. I'm talking from experience"
Well, if you don’t like where you live, why don’t you just move you dumb bitch!
o Anna: "I moved from Belltown to Capitol Hill when I came out because I felt accepted up here, like I had a family."
Well, I don’t live in the Swish Alps but I create my own “community” and I feel accepted everywhere. I don’t need queers to acknowledge my existence…I just need human beings.
o Shelly: "The Hill is a place where people of all races, sexes, religions and orientations can come and be accepted."
Ouch! Can someone remove that knife from my back! Total bullshit.,
o Angela: "It's after the parade that I'm worried about - if there's a beer garden and two guys get drunk and go on a walk around Seattle Center they will be at great risk. No beer garden...bad idea."
Then keep your cocktails at home you moron! So, just because it’s Gay Pride you naturally think of alcohol? Shall I give you a referral?
o Linda: "I've lived downtown for 27 years and it's not as safe as you might think. Don't be an innocent about going downtown."
See the comments above.
o Peter (manager of the Broadway Grille): "This isn't just a financial issue for us. The march must be kept in a safe and supportive environment."
There is no such thing as a “safe and supportive environment”. That is how things get accomplished – by leaving your little microcosm and deciding to show yourself to the rest of the world – no matter what. The Contessa thinks your closet is very full.
o Eric: "Safety is an issue. And I don't know how meaningful it will be marching down an empty 4th Avenue on a Sunday afternoon."
It won’t be an empty avenue, duckies, unless all you bitter queens decide to tie one on the night before and can’t get your fat asses out of bed to make it to the parade. Gee, it’s been so simple lately, hasn’t it? You throw out your trick and walk down the street in search of another at Gay Pride. Yeah, lot of pride in that, bitch.
o Jeff: "[When] young people from smaller towns think of going to the Gay area, they don't think about going to the Seattle Center; they think about going up to the Hill. I think that it is really important that it stays here. I don't know if youth...from outlying areas...would be as eager to go to a place where they would be outed; where people would see them on the streets; and where there isn't discretion used."
You are just an idiot. The Contessa need not comment.
Several women who marched in the Dyke March this year - which for the first time went from the Hill to Westlake Mall - talked about the uncomfortable stares they endured from onlookers once the march left the Hill.
Get over it! Who hasn’t been given dirty looks because of their tea? Get on your Harley and go back to California – If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
o Sandra: "I saw the faces of those shoppers who were looking at us and I didn't like it."
I see faces on the Swish Alps that are not shopping, but are trying to stir up trouble – and I don’t like that. Why don’t you stay away from Nordstrom’s on a Sunday!
o Laine: "The minute we got off the Hill you could feel it. I've lived on the Hill for 25 years...so for me this is an issue about heart...Capitol Hill is where the heart and soul of the Gay community is and where we should be."
Capitol Hill is just a neighborhood. Just because it is a gay ghetto doesn’t mean it is the center of the universe. Go to Freemont on a good day.
Others spoke to the need for a definite, proud and unifying political statement in Seattle's Pride events:
o John: "It's extremely important that we retain our turf and keep it a rainbow community. We are an inclusive community; they should come to our house.
I’m so happy that you feel the need to piss on your corner of the world so all the other dogs know it is yours.
o Eric: "This is our spot. We see enough heteros the rest of the year."
And so what is wrong with heteros? Bitch, fill in that chip on our shoulder with some cement and put some lotion on those knees, because I’m sure they have callouses on them. The gay community wants respect and recognition. How are we going to accomplish that when we have miserable bitter trolls like you..
o Su: "Pride should be galvanizing event at a time when we're being attacked so heavily. I want to see the rally held in Volunteer Park, and that Bud Light banner removed from the stage and replaced with one that says, 'Pass the state Gay Rights Bill!'"
Whatever. You actually published this in SGN? What? Were you running out of room for idiotic comments or banal things to say. Tell, Su to go back to her trailer in Renton.
Ciao from the Emerald City, duckies!
The Contessa Maria Alicia Portia Mercedes Alexandra di Conflama
| By The Contessa | 07:18 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
July 24, 2005
Screaming in Seattle II
Screaming in Seattle
By Contessa di Conflama
Hello all my dry, non-web-footed friends! To you who live in Puget Sound, hello you moldy quackers! Greetings from the Emerald City, high atop the Space Noodle!
And what are we screaming about now? Well, duckies, hold on to your feathers!
O.K., duckies. The Contessa has something stuck in her teeth - and it’s not my latest trick’s pubic hair - and she is just chain-smoking non-filtered Galouise and sucking down Cristal as her fangs and nails grow over this issue.
Spain and Canada legalize gay marriage.
Big f*ing deal!
What does that have to do with the price of mascara at Nordstrom’s?
It’s not helping us here, now is it?
I do have to admit that the Contessa fell over in her stilettos once the “Spain decision” came down, but considering the autonomy of the country and it’s intense disgust toward the Nazi Party – ooops! I meant the Vatican, who can blame them?
As I have said before, duckies, we have just as much right as heterosexuals to be miserable – we just want the rights and guarantees attached so we can get health care from our spouse and in the event of divorce – like that has never happened to the Contessa! – community property rights or alimony and most of the jewelry!
Now, on a serious note, duckies, one major advantage is when a life partner is ill. We aren’t talking about money here, duckies – although you know the Contessa is all about that – we are talking about being able to visit our spouse in the hospital if he/she is ill; the right to make decisions for them when they are legally incapacitated to make a decision; and the right to acknowledge and comply with their final wishes. I know this sounds depressing, duckies, but this is life. I have known too many couples in which a partner was incapacitated or dying and the individual’s family descends upon the entire situation – either out of selfish familial loyalty or just plain greed – and cuts out the other partner because he or she is not “legally” family since they disprove of the relationship.
Personally, when the Contessa decides to resign this existence, she fully intends to leave a legacy to all her ex-husbands. (They’re called debts! )
Now, duckies, the new law that has been approved in Canada will only apply to civil marriages, but not church sanctioned marriages. Gee, would you want to be married in an environment that represses your existence? Not moi, duckies. Personally, if the Contessa ever marries again (damn! that will be husband #7?), she plans to walk down an aisle in the great outdoors, with a pathway of rose petals, wearing black leather, black velvet and thigh high stilettos. Did you get an image?
They can now screw their “own kind” legally. And I mean screw in a good sense – not like what the Republicans are doing to this country. Oh, no! The Contessa went there once again! The Contessa would love to see the size of her dossiers at the FBI and CIA – I’m sure it’s bigger than you expect!
What really sets my wig on fire is that the Canadian press keeps saying, “this is about freedom of choice”. Maybe I’m taking this out of context, duckies, but I didn’t choose to be gay. I was born this way. I have as much of a chance as “choosing who I am” as a Siberian tiger chooses to be a vegetarian.
So! Let’s Go to the Rain in Spain!
Golden Showers! Oh, duckies, the Contessa went there again!
Allah, Buddha, Jesus, Big Bang or whoever you want to credit – thank you for the Socialists in Spain! Not only did they allow for gay marriage, but they also put into the legislation language pertaining to adoption and inheritance rights for same sex couples. Hmmmmm – I wonder if Prince Felipe “walks” my way. Ooooh, duckies! What a tall drink of water! Unfortunately, probably not, I guess I’m just stuck with my title of Contessa – even though I want to be Queen.
So the only two other countries that have permitted same-sex marriage through legislation are the Netherlands and Belgium. I understand the Netherlands – after all there is Amsterdam - and the drugs and sex flow as freely as a queen at an open bar. Damn! Half of Europe has a contact high because of them. But let me pose this question – What the hell is in Belgium? Someone please educate me! I plead ignorance on that score. Or in the immortal words of our First Lady, Pickled Bush, “edjooKKKashun”.
And now on the home front, my former alma mater state, Massachusetts is the only state continuing to perform same-sex marriages. Sometimes I wonder why I left – oh yeah, that’s right, the Contessa hates snow. I never accept invitations in Aspen or Switzerland to go skiing unless I can sit at the lodge slamming down hot toddies while cruising Hans, Rupphert and Fritz. (Get a grip!)
And Now the Contessa is Really on the Rag
So there are four countries that allow same sex-marriage, as well as one state in this country (actually it’s a Commonwealth, duckies), that will permit same sex-marriage (we won’t even address the “civil law” states). I fully understand the need to marry your partner, so once you push him/her off the cliff in Monaco, you inherit everything (make sure there’s not a pre-nuptial agreement nor a will and insist on a sizeable insurance policy). What the hell does it matter to run to Canada to get married when it’s not recognized here in this country? Are you so damn insecure that you are simply trying to justify your existence, your relationship, perhaps things aren’t working out and you need to dominate the other person? Are rugrats involved? I don’t know. I’m not judging. I’m just commenting and simultaneously suffering from verbal diarrhea.
If you want to get something REALLY done, petition the Feds to change the federal legislation to include “sexual orientation” among the other parties you “supposedly” cannot discriminate against, because duckies, I don’t care what an employer says or does, if they don’t like your purse, they can either choose not to hire you or throw your ass out without cause. Welcome to the real world, duckies!
Alright, I’m spent. The Contessa needs to rest before her new trick du jour stops by and to actually get some work done (and then get geared up for another scathing diatribe against everyone and everything – oh, yes, and I need to get my nails done!)
Ciao from the Emerald City, duckies!
| By The Contessa | 03:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
July 20, 2005
Gay Pride March
Screaming in Seattle
GAY PRIDE MARCH
By Contessa di Conflama
Hello all my dry, non-web-footed friends! To you who live in Puget Sound, hello you moldy quackers! Greetings from the Emerald City, high atop the Space Noodle!
And what are we screaming about now? Well, duckies, hold on to your feathers!
Well, duckies, the issue has come up to relocate Seattle’s Gay Pride from its current location in the Swish Alps on Broadway to Volunteer Pork (Park) to a parade down 4th Avenue and ending at the Seattle Center – which is a huge venue where the Space Noodle is located, and that big old squirting testicle of a fountain where you can cool off from the heat or remove the lube from you nether regions while clothed and no one is the wiser (for all of you not in the know about this slippery, soggy, psychotic city).
Duckies, the issue is up for public comment and you know that the Contessa was there in her best new frock to ream those meth-head, drunken twinks to move the parade to a more accessible venue since it is purely common sense. (The Contessa knows that queer little boys and girls have no common sense in these matters since they awake from their stupor to walk down the street to try to score drinks, drugs, dick and dykes a few blocks away from their “communal living space” and the Crapitall Hill Capitalists have no sense about unity, diversity nor dignity unless it lines their pockets with green). The Crapitall Hill Capitalists should have no fear of losing money since where are all the queers going to go when the parade and festivities end? Back to Crapitall Hill & Broadway to spend their wait-staff or retail paychecks on drinks at all the establishments there.
The key issues here are accessibility and visibility, duckies. And if you cannot recognize that, then you are as stupid as you look and should just confine yourself to trolling the parks and public bathrooms.
It has been expressly noted that Pride has grown to such an extent that the current venue simply cannot accommodate those who wish to participate at it’s current locale. Would it not be better to move it since it would allow for more accessibility, more visibility to not only Seattle, but to the country and perhaps the world so that all our issues are addressed, appreciated and recognized? Oh, duckies, perhaps the Contessa is living in a dream-world for thinking these thoughts, but she sold off another tiara (one of the rhinestone ones – not the real gems) to buy new stilettos for this mud-slinging match.
Anyway, duckies, the Contessa needs to get her nails done (nice and sharp)after wearing them down and breaking them after this bloodbath and has several social engagements that require her attendance, so as usual…
Ciao from the Emerald City, duckies!
| By The Contessa | 02:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)